This is one of the poems featured in Letters of a Thousand Speeches book by S.Sulianah
"When I told you I could write hundreds of letters filled with a
thousand speeches, what I meant was I have done it since the day
we met again seven years ago.
Your kindness, attention, protectiveness, wit and curiosity have lit
up my life. Every time you smile, it seeps into my mind, begging
to be in my memory.
The way you laughed and how you hid that beautiful shy smile
puts me to sleep at night.
I thought I had lost all this seven years ago. And then you came
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Hi Everyone. I am writing this next survival guide kit for anyone out there who needs some ideas to defend yourselves or is annoyed with the same question from people around you over and over again. And also there was this request from one of my social media comments requesting how to handle people who keep asking question "When are you getting married?" or sometimes them being extra smart telling you to get married.
Before I start, it seems like this is not a one race or one country or one culture's dilemma. Apparently, it is a universal issue faced by individuals doesn't matter age, race and origin.
When this question is raised to you "When are you getting married?" or telling you it is time for you to get married. The scenario you will faced is this question is being asked by your close relatives, long-distanced relatives who you met once in couple of years or could be your friends doesn't matter close or not.
These are several ways you can reply. I had tried these at different occasions, and it works well.
Remember this. We cannot control others, but we can control ourselves, our decisions and how we analyze everything that we encounter when we communicate with another person. And remember not to do the same thing that you don't want others to do to you. Think before asking another person a question.
If you are extracting these points for your article(s), please remember to quote my name as the writer (S.Sulianah), and my website link (www.ctsulianah.com). Thank you!
I have written this how to be happy article is because I just found that this seems to be a hot search topic. Furthermore, I noticed that everyone has different experiences and lifestyle so this write-up might or might not be practical. The ones that I listed here and talk about in one of my podcasts, Grapholistic Podcast, is to motivate individuals to have the courage to realize that happiness is within themselves. It is all in there, within you. There is no need to search for it in someone else or in any part of the world. Happiness is inhibited within you. You only need to resurfaced that feelings.
The first and foremost step is to be self-aware of your own character and personality. The foundation step to realizing and knowing about yourself. What you like and the triggers that could test your patience. Learning about your character is part of this step which will take some time for you to be comfortable with who you are. The results of this process can also be a defense mechanism when you encounter with challenges in your life.
Secondly, is be aware of the surrounding which means that you have to self-reflect on the presence around you including other living entity such as the trees, animals, insects and humans. These could then develop you to feel at peace and also know that you are not alone. You will feel lighter when you have any problems.
Third step. This step is such a sensitive part to highlight but I find that it has been a pattern and consistent in my life when I deal with people. I realized recently too from posts in social media that this is a global human concerns --- Trust. Trusting someone and also be a person who is trustworthy.
Sometimes, you feel like you can trust strangers more than your family or friends because you know that hardly you will see them again. They might share your story to others but high probability those are not the people you know. Recently, I encountered with a situation on trust and I responded it in a way that those group of friends did not anticipated. I am considered a person with patience. Which means, I can stand and close one eye with remarks or comments that are unpleasant to me for years or for decades. It is not healthy but some things that I don't see everyday, I can mold it to be shifted in the unnecessary category in my life.
Recently, which is a couple months ago, there was this situation when I told this friend (@Emma) not to tell another friend (@Maya) first about the t-shirt which Maya gifted us because I couldn't fit in. I planned to actually take the design and make it into a t-shirt of my size so I can wear it later. Specifically, I told Emma not to tell Maya first because I do not want to hurt Maya's feelings until I told her myself. The reason I told Emma was because this group of friends planned to wear this shirt in our next outing. And guess what.. Emma told Maya. I found this out from Maya herself which she asked me in a nice way. I like Maya and did not want to hurt her but instead I planned to surprise her with my idea of making it into another shirt. And I was not pissed off with her. That was like the first within that 2 months Emma broke my trust.
Then, subsequently, Emma behaved similarly by telling Maya again on the day I rented a car to drive to Maya's house for a birthday celebration. I found this out when Maya told me to drive safely on that day. I was like how did you know? And she emoji smiled at me. The only person who knows is Emma because we planned to surprise Maya and another friend of ours for their birthday. That day was like the maximum patience I had. Not counting the unpleasant time and friction I have been saving for the past 2 to 3 months.
I totally forgotten about Emma's character which was told by a mutual friend about 20 years ago. This friend told me that Emma is a person with a big mouth and not to be trusted. Like I said, I prefer not to judge and evaluate a person by someone else's experience. And when it happened to me, it was something else. I had my patience in checked in the first incident, until something else happened right after that which pinned my bubble of patience.
This surprisingly did affect my happiness during that time, like a trigger to my patience which I had set for the past years when with them. Things that I kept it well-packed thinking that it is small released this trigger. I could feel the friction on our last two gatherings. I am a sensitive person in this way which means I could feel if something is not right about a person, or when I am with another person. At times, I will ignore but most of the times when the condition is consistent, I will make immediate decisions.
The story to learn here is it doesn't matter how long you have known a person. But once they break your trust, you have to make sure you do something to it instead of being in that relationship and 'try to endure it'. Frankly, and luckily I have never share any of my secrets or about me since we were friends for the past decades. With this group of friends, I have been extra careful. Normally, I will be affectionate with friends I hangout with but not these two excluding Maya. Maya is not in this picture. So, I tried for years but I couldn't say words like 'I Miss You all' or 'I love You all' or even anything about my opinions and anything I experienced. There is always some gap and signal to avoid saying it out loud whenever I feel like telling them anything. Well, seems like my guts and instinct are accurate.
About 20 years ago, a friend who I used to hangout with did the same too. She broke my trust with her fantasy story. More of this detailed story in my podcast. That time, I had confronted her, she denied. But that doesn't stopped me from leaving the friendship and not to waste my time to hang around with her. We were friends but I avoid hanging out with her. And again, it was another gut feeling that proves to me that my reaction was a right step. Because recently, she did say something which I made sure I did not say it out loud to her throughout our friendship comparing to what our mutual friends will say to her. Well, this time, I had to be brave again and did a total cut-off. But the reason this time was about respect and how sometimes people don't care about how we feel, which I also talked about in my podcast.
My type of person is once I am committed to leaving, I will do 100% and never turning back. I will not block you in social media but I will block your phone number because it is annoying. My patience level when I am an adult is not as much as last time, or I can say, I have seen too much in life that I am now more courageous to act on it. If you have friends like me or whoever in your life like this, don't take it lightly and don't take advantage of them. If you want people to respect you, make sure you respect them first.
Apart from that, if someone tells you something, a story about them or their concerns, don't use it for your advantage. Meaning that you should not ever use it as sarcasm when communicating with each other. A few days ago, a friend I normally keep in touch with by letters even though we stay in the same country, used it in his text to me. I knew what he was implying but I acted as if I don't have any idea what he is trying to say. Again, I actually was contemplating whether to tell him about something. And he also is not the kind who can keep secrets. This is based on my personal experience with him when we were studying for our diploma together. But he is the type of person who is somewhat like genuine. He reminds me of my friend, Hans, who is also this style. Cannot keep secrets until you say keep it a secret. But because they are like the innocent decent type that is why I can still consider to tell stories to them. But the difference between him and the previous cases were, this friend of mine gets it real quick. He quickly said I am sorry just ignore the message (I planned to tell him in my next letter hahahaa). Comparing to the other two situations, they will never know the reasons until they read this. So, that is the difference.
And also people ... I hated this sentence (text messages I received from the first 2 situations), "If I did or say something wrong to you, I apologize". Fuck you, guys. Stop throwing this anyhow you like. Firstly, why apologize when you don't know what was the reason you are apologizing for? Secondly, I don't think you mean it because you don't know what it is about and so you will still do it again. Well, one of them did it again years later. Lastly, I am not interested anymore. You can live without me, and I am still alive without you.
Also, learn to build this trustworthy character within you. It is actually a charm and an exemplary character that could make people be comfortable with you and be with you. I have friends who told me secrets and I have never told anyone even when we don't keep in touch anymore. Some of those friends had told me that they are inclined to chatting with me because of how I can keep secrets and stories. And yes, this is one of the communication skills that you need to start to build because it is a principled trait for personal and business use.
Forth, stop comparing yourself with others. Doesn't matter in which perspectives, be sure that you focus on yourself instead of others. This includes comparing yourself with your siblings, relatives and friends. That is why the first step is so important which is building the architecture of your foundation. When I was about 12 years old, my mom used to compare me with my best friend who was also my neighbor during that time. Then, when I was about 16 or 17 years old, she started to do the same again with someone else and I told her if you like that person so much, you can take her as your daughter. Since then, she did not compare me with anyone.
Fifth, please please remember to appreciate and be grateful with your accomplishments. Be grateful. And whenever you attained something in your life, reward yourself. It could be small tasks or goals that you have set in a day-to-day basis or it could be the large scale goals. As long as you remember to give yourself a pat on your shoulder and congratulate yourself, you will be motivated to live your life everyday. Rely on yourself and not on others to congratulate you.
Ten years ago, my morning motivational clock were a friend and my office neighbor. I used to hangout with my friend/classmate in MSN chat room years ago. PS. She is now one of my closest friends. Hanging out with her during office hours while doing my work is like a motivation for me to go to work. I was happy to go to work hahahah. And also there was this office neighbor that I looked forward to meet every morning. We used to go for lunch together since when I started to say hi to her. This happened for 1 to 2 years. When MSN chat room is not a thing anymore and my office neighbor moved out, I was worried that I will not have any motivation to go to office. However, luckily during that time, I have already started to set up this foundation by focusing in building my goals and objectives. So, those changes did not affect me at all. Anyway, they are both still my friends.
Well, these points are the ones that I can remember at the moment and also the ones that I am experiencing in my life which I find it practical to share. At anytime, something else struck me, I will keep you updated. Enjoy the video!
1) Be Self-Aware. Learn to observe your own behavior and feelings.
2) Be aware of your surrounding
3) Sometimes keeping opinions to yourself is better than telling others. Why?
4) Stop comparing with others
5) Appreciate and be grateful of each and every of your accomplishments.
Listen more on Grapholistic Podcast
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S. Sulianah Swift-Kendrick